summer love?

summer has wisped me up from all of the grade nine drama and laid me flat on my ass in Wakefield
last night i slept by my fridge in fear of the heat in my room
Chloe was nestled in sheets beside me
as i tossed in my sleep, thinking
im supposed to find love this summer
but, how do i do that?
shouldn't it find me?
see, this summer it'll be me and my two best friends and thats the way it should be, but my head has already found a way to complicate everything and it is keeping a secret that i'll never tell anyone and it hurts. summer is supposed to be care-free but im already tangled in a mess. things keep happening, and they're as perfect as the quarry water and it seams so crystal clear but then it all fogs over and clouds my image of perfection. i can't think of someone i can tell but why fuck my shit up?
this is going to be the summer to remember, i know that it will be but i think that some of it will be memorable for the worst but then again the best is yet to come.
the sun is setting outside my dining room window and i can't handle the dark without a hand to hold onto and i cant deal with it, i just dont have the capacity to keep the secret.
i like it all, drama's okay with me but this is too much.
to whom this may concern, you wont figure out the secret, you just won't. no one would, no one would think of the possibilities. I cant say too much, someone will figure it out.
sorry "reader" for this piece about summer being so depressing instead of a blog entry about roses and butterflies. This summer will be the best summer of my life and only because of the fact that i have the most amazing friends i could ever ask for.
they'll always be there when i cry and yell and scream and laugh, no matter the place or the feeling i know for fact that they'll be my shoulder and my listener. like them, i'll be there too for both of them, i'll be there. if you two are reading this, i love you
not because of the things you bring to me but because of your smiles, your laughter, your share of my pain, you guys are heaven sent, i sware.
this summer will be perfect even though the fog may cloud my vision.
love you summer, xox

It's all good, wait its not

It's no good

its shitty

i hate you

you're my best friend

i changed the post,

i changed my reason

now its because

you dont keep my secrets

its not possible

and i dont even get why

it was wrong

i learned 

i fixed

or at least i will

or at leat i was

going to fix it

but now i dont have that chance

thanks

blood test

hes not my best friend anymore

i relied on him while i cried

then he went and hit me,

emotionally.

boys can be so annoying

but the ones that

are just friends

can hurt you more

because if it were just a boy

that was in a relationship with you

that hurt you

you would have your friends

to hold you

but knowing the fakeness of someone

you thought only looked after

you well being

hurts more than

one thousand

needles drawing viles of blood.

i hate hospitals
cause even if you're not sick
you feel it
you can hear everyone coughing
and sniffling
and you can see blood
and trembling fingers
and you feel like
you outta be sick

life's interesting now
everyone seems to be getting along
with bumps along he way
nothings ever smooth
with the mac pack
(with the drama i mean)

new people,
new gossip,
new things to do.
its all just so much
but not really
its just the "glory" of being
a teenager

i have more freedom now
rideau at night a lot more
loose plans
and i never really ask my mom
to do things
as much as i tell her
what my plans are
for the weekend

i like it now
but my body's taking the toll
i haven't slept well in a while
and i've been letting my nutrition go
a little bit
and ive let emotions get to me
and ive cried a lot

yesterday i went to my grandmas thinking that maybe she had put a small speed bump in her drinking but no, i could hear the alcohol in her voice, and see it in the way she walked, she wasn't my omi anymore as much as she was a complete stranger. she made me cry because she wasn't there to be my omi for the night, i wanted to be the kid for the night not the adult telling my grandmother not to drink. I wanted the freedom to be told what to do instead of spend my night crying and trying to get her to sober up. i couldnt do it so i went to my step dads (my moms ex-boyfriend who is the father figure in my life) and then my mom left a message on my grandmas answering machine telling her that she had made her daughter cry for the last time. my mom tends to overreasct a lot and she just cant deal with me being hurt in the slightest especially by someone who knew that she was taking care of me for the night.

you just have to learn
to delete the
unneeded
...

Meh

i thought i lost you
as a bird in the park
i thought i had you
as we were star seeking
i thought you would be mine
when you said you were falling
i thought i was getting closer
but you were pushing me away
i told you
they're are two of you
one mine
one hers
mine is better but
you're more hers
its like property
unless you're with me
lying to me
cause when we hang out
you lie
and you subconsciously
flirt,
don't deny it.
i cant even think about
anyone else
when you're sitting beside me
even though I'm the one
telling you its wrong
i wish i would have just
kissed you
when you were leaning in
instead of turning my head
in the other direction
and failing to be there
instead i took your hand
and said
"lets go to the park"
but it was cold
so we went back to your
girlfriend

every "i love you"
you exchange with her
burns