blood test

hes not my best friend anymore

i relied on him while i cried

then he went and hit me,

emotionally.

boys can be so annoying

but the ones that

are just friends

can hurt you more

because if it were just a boy

that was in a relationship with you

that hurt you

you would have your friends

to hold you

but knowing the fakeness of someone

you thought only looked after

you well being

hurts more than

one thousand

needles drawing viles of blood.

i hate hospitals
cause even if you're not sick
you feel it
you can hear everyone coughing
and sniffling
and you can see blood
and trembling fingers
and you feel like
you outta be sick

life's interesting now
everyone seems to be getting along
with bumps along he way
nothings ever smooth
with the mac pack
(with the drama i mean)

new people,
new gossip,
new things to do.
its all just so much
but not really
its just the "glory" of being
a teenager

i have more freedom now
rideau at night a lot more
loose plans
and i never really ask my mom
to do things
as much as i tell her
what my plans are
for the weekend

i like it now
but my body's taking the toll
i haven't slept well in a while
and i've been letting my nutrition go
a little bit
and ive let emotions get to me
and ive cried a lot

yesterday i went to my grandmas thinking that maybe she had put a small speed bump in her drinking but no, i could hear the alcohol in her voice, and see it in the way she walked, she wasn't my omi anymore as much as she was a complete stranger. she made me cry because she wasn't there to be my omi for the night, i wanted to be the kid for the night not the adult telling my grandmother not to drink. I wanted the freedom to be told what to do instead of spend my night crying and trying to get her to sober up. i couldnt do it so i went to my step dads (my moms ex-boyfriend who is the father figure in my life) and then my mom left a message on my grandmas answering machine telling her that she had made her daughter cry for the last time. my mom tends to overreasct a lot and she just cant deal with me being hurt in the slightest especially by someone who knew that she was taking care of me for the night.

you just have to learn
to delete the
unneeded
...

Meh

i thought i lost you
as a bird in the park
i thought i had you
as we were star seeking
i thought you would be mine
when you said you were falling
i thought i was getting closer
but you were pushing me away
i told you
they're are two of you
one mine
one hers
mine is better but
you're more hers
its like property
unless you're with me
lying to me
cause when we hang out
you lie
and you subconsciously
flirt,
don't deny it.
i cant even think about
anyone else
when you're sitting beside me
even though I'm the one
telling you its wrong
i wish i would have just
kissed you
when you were leaning in
instead of turning my head
in the other direction
and failing to be there
instead i took your hand
and said
"lets go to the park"
but it was cold
so we went back to your
girlfriend

every "i love you"
you exchange with her
burns

you can only insult for so long
push the knife deeper so long
but then you
relieve the pressure
and the love
relieves the pain
but then you take it away
and push harder

remove the damage

take away the pain

cut away the flesh that binds

this is not the answer

shower away the blood

wipe away the tears

sew up the broken

this is part of the answer

follow someone home

and feel less alone

in this world

we all want to escape

but our existance is among us all

to take for ourselves

no cutting

reshaping

redoing

or

remaking

what happens is what happens

and the future should be left

unaltered

ILOVETHEOCTILLDEATHDOESTHUSPART

one night ska stand

they had a one night stand

on the bed right beside me

but i mean

who cares

the ska music was blasted

while we skanked

and then as the night rolled up

they curled up in each others arms

we thought they were talking

they thought they were falling

in love

but i knew it was just lust

his and hers

i asked them later,

do you like (insert name here)?

"no, it was just fun"

fun? a good time?

no, i mean its just high school

im just in highschool

a fraction of my life

and nothing compared to what follows it

then university

my moms boyfriend went to whistler

and grew his hair long

after highschool

i think its weird

but its just what they did in 1992

I wonder what im gunna do?

university: law and literature

i promise

Mitchell Davis is God

the universal you

suicide

is so stupid

jumping off cliffs

wrist cutting

i get it, pain overlapping pain

but the pain only makes it hurt more

than it already has too

why cry and bleed emotions

"i die a little bit inside..."

blah blah blah

you tell me you die

you tell me you cry

you tell me that

every breath you take

hurts you

makes your insides

knot up and

contort

but i care and dont care

because i love you

the universal you

but when you leave you dont rest in peace

you... disapear

into nothing

and how would you feel if the only thing

you left behind

was blood and suicide?

i heard about a girl that hung herself

they just need compassion

and the most part of suicides is

love or lack there of

so if love is the only problem

then people have to stop taking it away

if someone says that

they are going to kill themselves

what are you going to do?

talk

thats all

dont say the word love

say "we care"

say "it matters,

you matter"

say "without you every breath

i will take will hurt more

than it did before"

youre not a strong memory

yet i remember you so well

i dont want to remember

yet the taste lingers

and speach still

rings in my ears

sometimes drowning out

others peoples views on you

and only leaving mine

and although my anger towards you

has seemed to have faded

it hasnt

it is just the love overpowering it

and the joke playing

more tricks on me

its just the air that surrounds me

reminds me of your arms

and my feet that hold me

feels like your hands

grasping me

and pulling me in

deeper and deeper into

who you are

and now...

without me

boys are so stupid

especially you

and your games

that you like to fool me with

I see you when you hide

and i hate that i want to seek

but if i dont find you

no one else will

because we both know that she will cry

and make you follow her instead

i know you can take care of her

but what happens when you get hurt?

Look, i get it

and i didnt come crawling to you

like a little bitch

because i know that wouldnt have worked

because if i thought it would

baby, you'd be mine

but the truth is

i hate who youve become

and look what youve done

youve broken down a strong girl

i thought i was stronger but you managed

to tear apart my world with a simple

"i love you from here

to the moon

and forever"

i let my guard down

and you took control

I hate that those words have so much power

its terrible

Sometimes its fun to

.................................... chase

but sometimes

you just want to win!

Best Ever..

My weekend was amazing

on friday I went to a ska concert

at club saw and got my skank on

it was so hot in the club and

the mosh pit

left bruises on my legs

before the concert

we were on the roof of rideau

jumping building up top

and carving names into the building

saturday night I was at jess' house

and then chloe came over

later that night me and chloe

decided to go to a get together in stistville

the route there was an adventure

we got checked out

met ex's

and a girl on drugs

asked us if we wanted a lift from her mom

but we said no even though

the cold and the wait wasnt worth it

but after we made it

mabbnee loved chloe

and it was "click at first sight"

Broken Peices

I dont understand the madness?

I dont understand the project?

I dont understand the lies you put me through

to better your self esteem.

I dont get why I didnt believe everyone

when they told me that

you use people.

Why didnt I listen?

Answer:

Cause Im a stupid girl

who wanted to love you for herlself

and no one else.

A stupid girl who kissed you

A stupid girl who believed you

A stupid girl to have trusted you with everything

but my password

A stupid girl to have let you start

a relationship with me

and then facebook break up.

A moronic girl to have looked at you, kissed you

and forgiven you after you cheated on me

and although you did all that

i want you back in my arms,

so i can protect you

and so

you can protect me

but instead

you ending up being what

i had to protect myself from.

Not my friends, nor teachers

or getting kicked out from school

Im good where I am.

I am not a stupid girl,

theres is logic behind why I skipped geography

I skipped because i wanted to step out line

Something you would do

I wanted to be in the breexe outside

while you were locked up in the school

I was lying on the grass with my friends

while you talked to the vice about explulsion

you're the stupid one

you figured, Im going down why not

take someone elses heart with me

right?

Exactly, you picked me

and I let you

then I let you

take my heart and smash it to pieces

and now,

how am I supposed to love with the

broken pieces?

Calm Down I just forgot the lyrics to "Never Change" by Dear Juliet.

If you hear this wherever you are

Just know i need you here

I need you now

You were brighter than the pale white moon

Reflected in your eyes

So i guess its no suprise

I can't forget you

No matter what i do

I will always carry you in my heart

You'll always be my shooting star

Autaumn days will fade away

But memories willl always stay the same

I'm hoping you will never change

Don't ever change
I just need to slow down for a while

I'm missing your warm smile

And the way you used to say"stay wiht me till the daylight breaks

No matter what it takesJust say you'll stay"

I will always carry you in my heart

You'll always be my shooting star

Autaumn days will fade away

But memories willl always stay the same

I'm hoping you will never change

Don't ever change
"xox"

All Hail Heartbrakers

I had a phase where the lyrics to Never Change had a meaning to me because they helped me cope with everything going on in my life. Now when I listen to the song I don't hear them as well. The beat sounds slightly off and the voice doesn't fit the words. I know the song hasn't changed but I've begun to realize that the boy I love really doesn't matter because "a players a player but if you're genuine; I'll Keep". And I tried to hold him in and I thought it was made until I found out that the past pain I had caused him had lead him to break my heart.